Yesterday, I decided to sort through my backlog of written material and clean it up. My desktop was starting to look a bit trashy, so I plugged in my external hard drive and set to work. As I clicked each article and dragged it into the folder, I noticed one I have written titled, “Punch my ticket.” It was crafted at a low point in my life and written while I battled depression. There was a line in it which made me stop and stare. “I want to die the way I live, alone.”
This week has been a week of reflection, so I suppose the clean up of my desktop is linked to this as well. Looking back and introspection can be very beneficial at times. Sometimes, it is good to notice we have grown and other times it is painful to see how little we have progressed. Years after battling depression, anxiety, alcoholism and drug addiction, I find myself still struggling with depression. It seems my mind is a double-edged sword. I can’t shut off my brain, and it plays back every bad decision I have ever made when it is not formulating posts for my blog.
It’s ok though. I am still here, and my ticket is still unpunched. In the grand scheme of things, all steps lead us to where we are meant to be. Or so I have been led to believe. Life is uncertain, about the only thing certain in life is its uncertainty. A clear mind doesn’t just happen, like my efforts in cleaning up my desktop, sometimes we must remove the clutter from our minds. It is like a fuel system in a car, you must remove the gunk from it if you want it to run at peak efficiency. Clutter clogs up the system and downgrades performance.
Depression is a serial killer, and one way to combat it is to realize you are not in the struggle by yourself. Depression coupled with PTSD is sometimes too much to handle alone. I spend a lot of time to myself and hence, I am alone with my thoughts. It’s not always a bad thing to reflect or to ponder the path your life has taken, but when you brood, you open the door to dark thoughts. One decision does not reflect who we are nor should it dictate our actions in the future (neither does multiple bad decisions). Sure, you should learn from your mistakes, but if you allow one or two decisions to keep you from living, then you have allowed the consequences to win.
As I shut down this post, try to remember your decisions are not the summation of who you are. You are alive, your ticket is unpunched, and today is a new day to strive for greatness.
30 August 2019