Where did my motivation go?!

It’s morning, I am sitting up in bed wondering where my motivation has gone. Once upon a time, I was a hard charging young man. Ever since I was a kid, I would set a goal and then crush it. During my career in the Army, I use goal setting to accomplish my vision of what my career would be. Life after 45 has sapped this technique slam out of me it seems.

When I was ten years old, my dad bought my brother and I a weight bench with the old concrete weights. Daily I would lift weights, because my goal was to be strong. Mind you, it wasn’t until about 4 years later that I envisioned myself as a small version of Arnold. I would load the bar with the maximum amount of weight that I could handle, and I would grind it out. Eventually, I would load the bar with all the weight that we owned, and I would push it up until I started to shake.

As the years passed, I joined the old YMCA. The equipment was from the 1940’s but there were iron plates. I would circuit train. From one weight station to the next, I would knock out ten reps of each exercise. In my mind it was better to smash the whole body instead of one body part at a time. Through trial and error, I would finally come upon a word that I had never heard before, overtraining. My body grew even though it was exhausted. Gradually, I settled into a routine that didn’t call for the destruction of my whole body daily.

From the age of ten until I retired from the Army at 38, I had a love affair with pushing heavy weights. My motivation stemmed from the fact that not only was I in shape, but I could compete with people that weren’t in their twenties yet. Knowledge is power, and the more you know the further you can go. At 38 my lifts were: Bench Press 360 lbs, Deadlift 400, Squats 500, Military Press 185, Curls 135. That’s not to shabby for someone who was closing in on their 40’s.

So, why does it seem that mere years later that I can’t find the motivation to get out of bed this morning? It’s not like I don’t have things to do. I suppose I am going to have to suck it up this morning and just force myself out of this feathery part of heaven. Ah well, maybe my motivation will catch up with me sometime today.

Freeman out.


There comes a time when enough is enough. Every person goes through it. Usually it is an incident that causes to realize that we have reached the breaking point. Today, I must admit that I have finally had enough when it comes to hot button issues. Alabama’s governor signed a bill today, perhaps the strictest in any state where it concerns abortion. There has been tremendous outcry about this bill. Celebrities are beating their chest and decrying the invasion of women’s rights. It’s downright laughable.

Let me explain why I find the entire chest beating, the fake emotion and the silliness of this outcry to be humorous. These women rights activist have no problem with the murder of an infant but want gun control to “save the children.” They have no problem telling men to shove off “for attempting to tell them what they can do with their bodies” but call for a sex-strike. Ergo, telling women what to do with their body. They screech at everyone about being non-compassionate, but they exhibit no compassion for anyone that disagrees with their beliefs. Thus, they are the biggest hypocrites of us all.

That is going to do it for me today. I will re-visit this when I have more time to expound upon it.

Freeman out.


Today has been a struggle. My thoughts have been dark, scattered and chaotic. Introspection was a useless endeavor. I know what caused my lack of focus. It was a massive hemorrhage of unprocessed emotions. Understanding the problem doesn’t guarantee a solution. That was the case today. Analyzing every aspect of the problem doesn’t always help either.

What finally helped me regain focus was a conversation that I had earlier in the day. I had breakfast with a minister from my church. As we ate, I confided in him that I had been struggling with a few things. He nodded his head and proceeded to tell me about another instance where someone else was also struggling. The key he said, was to not look at the problem. Instead, we should look as to why we are facing the issue. Have you been praying? Perhaps, it is just life. Or maybe there is a spiritual reason as to why you are going through a storm.

The other side of that coin though is that we are sometimes our own worst enemy. We open our mouths and opine about things we know nothing about. Or we react to a situation that was misunderstood. There are many reasons as to why things may become off track. Many times we cause ourselves to stumble and fall.

After finishing breakfast, I considered my plight. Yes, it was entirely possible that it was me that caused me to fall into a pit of despair. Entirely possible for that matter. It was also possible that it was a spiritual problem. The clouds finally cleared and I was able to move past the foreboding thoughts that had plagued me most of the day.

I am thankful that I have my faith and a few friends that brighten my day. It certainly helps me overcome the obstacles in my path. In the book of Psalms there is a Scripture that reads: “I will look unto the hills from whence cometh my help, my help comes from the Lord.” If life threatens to overwhelm you, look up.

Freeman out.

My confession.

There are days when I absolutely abhor being me. Introspectively, it is not that I am a brutish individual, nor is it that I suffer from schizophrenia or psychosis. Further analysis reveals that I am loyal, friendly, steadfast and other “good” traits. I possess the ability to sit in a room by myself and not commit suicide due to self-loathing. It makes no sense to me, why I dislike my person.

When confronted with days of dark thoughts, I find that my self-hatred stems from my inability to process certain emotions. Situations arise that I can’t impact, therefore it renders me impotent to change it. Fears plague my mind on dark days, and there is no way for me to shut it off. Silence is as deafening as a cannon blast to the face. Anxiety creates scenarios that are not true. My greatest challenge since returning from war has been the battle to retain my sanity. “If I can make it one more day….”

Every day is not like this. There are moments of ecstasy. Days blow by like chaff on the wind, then out of my blind spot comes the darkness. It doesn’t matter if it is a near or far ambush, either hinders my forward progress. Maybe it is my imagination playing tricks on me, but every unexpected sound seems like a threat. Paranoia spurs hyper vigilance into action. It’s just a trick of the mind or is it….?

There are days when I truly abhor who I am.

A sex-strike?!

So, I couldn’t help myself. I went to grab a bite to eat for lunch and my phone dinged. Grabbing my phone, I saw that a celebrity was calling for a sex-strike to protest the heartbeat law passed in Georgia. Um, is it me or wouldn’t said sex-strike cut down on “unexpected” pregnancies? Therefore, you are making a choice to protect a newborn’s life. That is great news! Hollywood finally gets on board with not murdering innocent children!

Sadly, this is not the case. It is just another ploy used to punish those who disagree with their viewpoints. Speaking of which, have you ever noticed how they behave? Failure to comply with their madness results in punishment of some kind. You are called names (deplorables, xenophobes, bigots, etc.) or even assaulted. Then there is the brain-dead representative from Philadelphia who will show up where you are, harass you and then live stream it on the internet for clicks. They call it enlightenment; I call it insanity.

Of course, way down here in the Deep South, the opinions of hypocritical Hollyweird celebrities don’t amount to a whole lot. We are far too busy trying to eke out a living or tying on a new lure to be bothered with the shouting of “elite” individuals who knows what is best for us. Perhaps, we are the no-account, low down rednecks they accuse us of being. I am okay with that label. At least I am not drowning in the blood of innocent children. Many which are sacrificed because they are an inconvenience. “It’s an unexpected pregnancy!” Exactly what did you think was going to happen when you had unprotected sex?

It is a disgusting fact of life, that we live in evil days. Good is called evil, and evil is called good. Everyone has a right and no one has a responsibility. Of course, the Bible explains that this will occur. Thousands of years ago, a man named Jesus Christ said that perilous times will come. We live in what is referred to as the last days. Our society embraces the unnatural and seeks to demolish the natural state of things. Marriages are demolished, open relationships are now the norm. Why be faithful to one spouse when you can engage in multiple sexual conquests? Facts are the bane of liberalism. Science only matters when it can be wielded like a club to bash the existence of God. Biology explains human gender, however, that doesn’t matter because how an individual identifies matters more than facts.

It is a dark and scary world out there. There is a reason that Paul wrote in his letter to the Ephesian church to put on the whole armor of God. In his description of the armor he stated, “let your loins be gird about with truth.” The acceptance of the wild and the wacky does not measure up to God’s Word. Sexual deviance (which is rampant today) was called an abomination during Abraham’s era. Since God claims in His word that He changes not, it is still vile and disgusting today. Abortion is not a new issue. Pharaoh encouraged the killing of infants during Moses’s day. King Herod in the New Testament also ordered the genocide of infants. God was not pleased with it then; and He is not pleased with it now.

As time draws short, our refuge is not found in this world. The trappings of the world only distract us, our hope comes from the Lord. In this time of turmoil, our peace comes from the knowledge that it is all part of God’s design. There is nothing that we can do besides wait on the Lord.  In Psalms 91:1 it reads, “He that dwelleth in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.”  If I was to paraphrase this Scripture, I would simply say that we need to be so close to God that we are in His perfect will. We need to dwell in the covering that God Almighty provides us when we walk before Him.

Freeman out!

More random musings and barely coherent thoughts.

It’s morning, and I am here at McDonalds sipping on a large coffee, killing time until it is time to go run the bus route. Dark clouds loom on the horizon, and the threat of rain seems to grow with each passing moment. Mother’s Day is upon us again. I bought my mother a couple of books written by Corrie Ten Boom. What can I say? I suck at gift buying. It is totally inadequate to express how thankful I am for my mom.

My mind is racing between thoughts. Per usual, my thoughts refuse to stabilize long enough for me to fully grasp what is going on. In my life, it seems that people consider me to be angry or frustrated or constipated. I am never told that I appear happy. Heath Ledger’s impersonation of the Joker seems to be the mold that I am cut of: Why so serious?

I have been attempting to learn how to do upholstery. It is more in-depth than I thought, and it seems like the tool that the Lord has decided to use to teach me patience. Perhaps it will be for the best.

As I grow older, I find that I am increasingly more selective about my company. There are people that just rub me the wrong way when I look at them. For example, I detest free loaders. Even if they are not living in my house. You never see a free loader who knows their place in the food chain. They stomp around with this irritating sense of entitlement. Snapping fingers, barking orders, they embody every detestable trait that exists. “Take out the trash!” they screech, or they walk by the dishwasher and tell someone else to load it and wash dishes. “Excuse me?” That is enough about these worthless piles of excrement. I can feel my blood pressure rising.

The past few days, I have had the immense pleasure of purchasing some very good books. Some are sets, others are various books ranging from war to how to be a better writer. Yesterday, I found an illustrated version of Frankenstein with the original text by Mary Shelley. I paid one dollar for it. It will make a fine addition to my library. There are days when I am torn between completing my library and taking my books outside and starting a world class bonfire. I suppose we will see what the future holds.

Due to accreditation, I am unable to further my education. It seems that Mississippi will not recognize my degree in lieu of a high school transcript. Therefore, I must complete high school again (since the school that I graduated from no longer exists). I am one test away from receiving my transcript. If I can get past math, I am going to attend an upholstery class so that I can know what is going on. That will give me the opportunity to learn and apply my instruction. I will never need to buy new furniture again; I can recover the pieces in my house.

Random musings and incoherent thoughts are complete. I hope you all have a wonderful day.

Freeman out.