Tonight, I went with friends to a restaurant. It was nice. I ate a 12 oz ribeye and a potato. On the way home, I had a conversation with a friend. We spent time speaking about fears we had concerning life. Come to find out, I have a fear of being alone. This phobia comes on strong at night. During daylight hours I am fine.
Herein lies the truth who I am at the core. Part of me likes being alone. I enjoy solitude, but another part of me misses having someone to come home to. I miss companionship. There is nothing more enjoyable than having a person to share your life with. Another part of me fears misreading the signs and diving into a futile relationship. I have fought to rebuild my life, I don’t want to burn it down on a dud. Still, another part of me doesn’t think I have what it takes to make a relationship work, but then again, I am confident that I can make it work.
I’m going to die alone and that sucks.
I went to a lady last week and made an attempt to date her. It went horribly. This is why part of me doesn’t think I will ever find true love. There is no pain like the pain brought on by people who love you. Or those who profess to care. I’m no Hollywood stud, nor am I rich. There is no rich uncle who will change my fortune, but I am a good guy.
After a decade of living alone, part of me screams out that I don’t want to die alone. ‘Find someone,’ my soul cries out. I want to pummel my soul with innumerable blows. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to find someone who is real? In a world where most people spend their time maintaining their mask, how do you know that you have ‘found the one?’
The chaos of life wreaks havoc on a social life. I’m not social to begin with. Sure, I went tonight and had a few laughs. I went because my friend sent a text asking me to ride with him to the dinner. He was nice enough to make a gesture, I was nice enough to accept.
Hindsight reveals I am of two minds when it comes to taking a chance in love. Sure, I like the feeling of being close to someone, but then again, I really enjoy the peace of being alone. Choosing a life partner feels like you’re going all in at the card table in Vegas. Who goes all in on the first hand?
I’ve done it before. Somehow, I am still of the opinion that I got the recent choice right. Still, my heart dreads the pain I foresee coming down the pipe. I wish with all my being that I could be with someone forever. It would be enjoyable to build with someone, but it’s as I said earlier.
I am going to die alone and that sucks.
Somehow, the premonition of my impending death doesn’t bring me closure. My red recliner reminds me of blood, the red blanket that covers my legs reminds of body bags.
I awaken with a start and look at my watch. It’s midnight, welcome to the witching hour. Who dreams of their impending death? I am not a psychic, a tarot card reader or best friends with the Grim Reaper. However, I can’t shake the feeling that today is the last day of my life.
And that I am going to die alone. Crap.