Inclusive Idiocy…A short story…

Thunder booms as the torrential rain hammers at the tin roof on Billy Two-Winds cabin. Lightning flashes a warning, as the constant yammering of the political talking heads screech over the airwaves concerning the rising cases of the newest pandemic. “In other news, the militant group No Fascists Ever or NFE has stormed the state capitol and disrupted the hearing concerning the removal of the last remaining monument- a horse named Cherokee.”

The rain has begun to lessen, the thunder rumbles in the distance, far from Billy’s cabin. Occasional drops of heavy rain bangs against the tin, a reminder that while the deluge may have slowed, the storm has not yet passed. The radio squawks with static. “Our next guest, Professor Denise Abraham Wilkerson has a few thoughts on the removal of Cherokee. Take it away Professor!”

“Hi! Thank you for having me on your show Tom and Tom. I would just like to say that if a monument or whatever, like it keeps us from having a supportive and inclusive enviro-thingy, we should get rid of all them.”

“Well said, Professor!”

“Uh-huh, thank you.”

Billy Two-Winds turns and looks at the radio in disbelief. “Enviro-thingy? What is this lunatic in charge of teaching? Dear God, I hope its not English, although that would explain quiet a few things in our society today.”

“Alright listeners, the phone lines are now open. Call and share your opinion on the removal of that dastardly monument, Cherokee, whose only sin was that it was ridden into the Battle of Bull Hockey. Professor Wilkerson will be here to answer any and all questions pertaining to whatever floatest thy boatest.”

Billy Two-Winds grabs his cellphone and walks out on the porch. The rain is back, hammering out its song upon the tin roof once again. Veins in his neck slowly disappear and his breathing becomes shallow. Calmly, he punches the number in and waits for his call to be answered.

“Hello, caller. What is your name and who do you wish to address?”

“Hi. My name is Billy, and I would like to address my question to Professor Wilkerson.”

“Hi, Billy. How do you feel about this icky statue being removed from the town center? Are you down with the destruction?”

“No. I don’t particularly care for the group NFE or their hysterics.”

“Oh. Well, you have a question for the professor?”

“Yeah. Professor Wilkerson, you are screeching about being inclusive. How do you explain the lack of inclusiveness when it comes to the military?”

“Um,” Professor Wilkerson pauses her gum smacking and Billy can smell the gears in her brains frying from the overload.”I don’t like understand that question.”

“The military rejects people all the time. If you have flat feet, you can’t join. If you have a mental condition, you can’t join. If you are colorblind, you can’t join. The military is not inclusive. You must meet the prerequisites before you are welcomed in. Why should everything be open to everyone?” 

“Because it makes people, like, feel really bad when they’re not allowed in. It’s racist.”

“I’m a Caucasian male. So, I should be allowed to reap the benefits of being Indian? Or black? Or Hispanic? Or Asian? How does that make us all equal and less racist?”

“No, you are racist by your very nature. You’re not allowed to do anything but pay for the sins of your forefathers.”

“Isn’t that racist?”

“No, it’s a fact. White people are racist.”

“Okay. Why should lawyers be allowed to join a doctors association? They have no knowledge of human anatomy. What is the point of allowing them to join that group, when they don’t meet the criteria?”

“Because, like the lawyers may want to hang out with the doctors and play games and stuff.”

“You’re an idiot. What do you instruct students on? What is your area of focus?”

“Like that is so mean. You’re a big meanie. I am a professor of humanities and basket-weaving.”

“That figures.”

“You’re also, like racist for not agreeing with me or NFE for, like um, not wanting that racist horse torn down.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Why don’t you want the statue removed?”

“Um, like, because it’s history. You don’t necessarily have to agree with it, but to many folks it is a reminder of how far we have come. Or a reminder of some tragic part of our heritage. No one would say that we should have fought in the Battle of Bull Hockey, but we did. Tearing down history only ensures that we will repeat it.”

“You’re racist and you should be put in jail.”

“Um, like, you’re an idiot and you should not be educating the minds of future generations.”

“Thank you Billy for calling in. That’s all the time we have today. Join us tomorrow for “Get your honky butts on the bus, you racist garbage.” Until then, we remain Tom & Tom. Good day.”

Billy presses end call and walks back in the house. A solitary tear runs down his cheek as he places his phone on the desk. “It’s the beginning of the end. We won’t stop until everything is racist, until every piece of history is destroyed, and all life is dumbed down. It’s the movie Idiocracy made reality.”

God help us all.

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