Last night, prior to falling asleep, my thoughts brought me back to a comment made to me a couple of weeks ago. The comment concerned my ability to say too much, too often. “You’re a motor mouth” is a sign that perhaps, I should seek to be quiet more often. Since my dad told me this, I have attempted to find solace in silence. I must say attempting to be quiet is a difficult task for yours truly.
However, being quiet is worthy of study.
As I try to say less, I find I have more peace. It is impossible to misunderstand what I haven’t said. Unlike the trials I have faced aka, A Walk in Darkness, my quietness now is not stepped in depression nor anxiety. Rather, it comes from a place of gratitude. I am grateful for the good things in my life and for the trials I have faced. Sure, the scars are still there, but I realize now strength is built by tough times. Silence fills the space where depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts once filled the void.
Now, I am filled with silence and a sense of expectancy. There is a comfort in silence. Comfort comes from realizing it is okay not having all the answers. I used to get worked up over things and spout off at the mouth. Now, I seek to understand that certain actions and behaviors are out of my control and I don’t need to engage my mouth and say the wrong thing in response to said actions.
After a lifetime of attempting to have the last word, I finally realize it is okay to be silent. I am thankful for my dad and his words of wisdom. It has helped me find some peace in my life. I am sure while silence has been beneficial there will arise occasions where I will still mouth off. Just because I have found a sense of peace via silence, doesn’t mean life will not throw me a curve ball and cause me to overreact. However, at this point in my life, I am enjoying the silence.
27 January 2020