“How dumb am I?” This question bounces around in my mind as I stare into the abyss of another failure. Grimacing, I rub my calloused hands over my beard. “What a cluster! Why does everything fall apart?” My eyes narrow as I clench and unclench my fists. I am ready to pounce on the first unfortunate soul who dares to open their mouth. My life is a series of unfortunate events, much like Limony Snicket. My frustration pushes me into motion, I pace the floor in my small apartment. Another attempt at having a life has collided headfirst into failure. “Screw it, I am done.”
The blue recliner beckons to me and I drop into it like a glass dropped from a great height. In my mind I hear the breaking of glass as the soft fabric cushions my sudden stop. “Broken and rejected…..” As I take stock of my current situation, I realize this is not the first time I have encountered these emotions. I should be used to it now. The pain of my recent divorce intermingles with another hangover, and it is compounded by another failed relationship.
“You need to grieve. Get it out of your system and let time heal the wounds.”
“Great, I am channeling my psychiatrist.” Joy’s voice cuts through the fog of my mind and I try to silence it. “I wonder if the Bronco’s won. What time is formation Monday? What is for dinner?” Nothing works. The advice sticks in my mind and each remembrance brings tears and anger. I slam my hand on the arm rest and angrily, I decide to question Almighty God why my life sucks so bad. “WHY!?” Silence is my only answer, and I open my phone’s Facebook app. The first meme I see provides the answer I am seeking. “Not everything can be blamed on other people, sometimes the reason your life sucks is because you are dumb and make dumb decisions.”
“How dumb am I?”
At this point in my life the answer is apparently very dumb. Almost eight years later, the answer has not changed. While some parts of my life has changed for the better, I still struggle with my idiocy. It seems no matter how stern the lesson, I am hell-bent to fail at certain things. Perhaps, it is my makeup to be a colossal screwup. Or perhaps, I am unable to recognize the trap for what it is. Either way, hard lessons should culminate into hard earned knowledge, but in my case, it results in another attempt and another failure. I suppose we all must be good at something.
I refuse to end this post on such a “poor me” note. Tomorrow is a new day with new opportunities. Therefore, I have another opportunity to get it right. I can make adjustments and cuts where needed. The ball is in my court to do whatever is needed to cultivate a better life.
18 September 2019