Yesterday was extremely hot, but in the spirit of cooperation, I decided to go to the ball field and watch a softball tournament. I regret it now. The heat has made me sick from sitting out in it like a dummy. Self-inflicted stupidity is the bane of my existence. I once thought I was intelligent, but as I grow older, I realize I am not as smart as I once thought myself to be. As nausea floods my body, I make myself this solemn vow, I will never do this again (until the next time I do).
Back to self-inflicted stupidity, it seems I will never learn from the mistakes I have made. Once again, I fall into the snare even though I know it is a trap. I amble on in and make myself at home. Then I become aggravated when it is the same crap in just another package. “It will be different this time around!” How naïve can one guy be?
This Friday past, I sat in a restaurant with my pastor and had lunch with him. We chatted and the topic came up concerning the link between PTSD brought on by combat and other vices (alcoholism, addiction, etc.). I made a remark that I did not know what was worse, surviving combat or coming home a skewed view of reality. The skewed view is a direct link to self-inflicted stupidity. I will use myself as an example. At times, I experience bouts of paranoia where I do not trust people or the environment, I am in. Everything can be fine, and then BAM! Something is wrong, or I am overcome with a sense of dread. I may have known these people for years, or been in the same environment for years, and suddenly I do not trust myself or them. A car broke down on the side of the road triggers erratic driving on my behalf. Hyper-vigilance stays with you forever it seems.
I’m sure I am not alone in this struggle.
However, I know people are not out to get me, but sometimes I can’t help but feel they are. Of course, I have no one to blame for the PTSD and the traumatic brain injuries I have suffered other than myself. No one put a weapon in my face and forced me to join the Army. After weighing the pros and cons, I signed my name and joined. I knew the risks and still went through with it. Looking back, I suppose one could say it was self-inflicted stupidity in motion. As pointless as war is, I am glad I wore the uniform of my country and laced up my boots. I am glad I made my stand for what I think is right. If I never attain wealth or success in a given field of study, I will have the pride of knowing what I believe in. I stood my watch and did my duty.
If all else fails, I am sure I will shoot myself in the foot with more self-inflicted stupidity.
02 September 2019