I have been attempting to write A Walk in Darkness for nearly three years now. Three years, I have struggled to find a way to tell this story. It should be easy to write, after all, I lived it. If we met up, I could tell you the entire story in an hour. Finding the words to convey the pain, dismay, and anger in a novel is difficult.
NANOWRIMO is fast approaching, and I have no idea of how to even to approach writing this story. I have 14,000 words written (after deleting 50,000 words) but it is a scattered mess. Timelines zoom in and out. It makes little sense and correcting it is going to be one heck of a chore. The story is alive because I am still alive. Doubts cloud my mind, and its not a fear of failure which holds me back. It’s the opposite, I am fearful I will be successful. This fear makes no sense to me. Why would I be afraid of success?
It’s simple. I have already lost everything I have worked for, but I am afraid that this time around I would lose me. Success would change me and not for the better. I rose from the ashes of my old life with the help of many people who stayed by my side and did everything they could to help me. This writing endeavor has been pursued by not only my passion but by people who have invested in me. The “silent” partners who encourage me, push me, and all but write many of these posts due to their efforts. I don’t ever want to forget where I have come from, but I did not get here by my strength alone. I never want to forget those who have stood by me and helped me overcome many of my issues.
I will write A Walk in Darkness. It will be a burden off my chest when I do, but I need to know that success will not eradicate the person I am now and make me impossible to deal with. It needs to humble me, not make me more egotistical. Above all, this book is a collective effort of my silent partners and me. Without them, this work would never see the light of day. As I write it, memories of their efforts will stain the pages. I am eternally grateful they entered my life; their love and support means more to me than they will ever know.
27 August 2019