“I am so busy…”
This is my motto when I moonlight as a workaholic. My amble through darkness takes place in two different parts. The ensuing chaos (divorce, loss of career, etc.) started the sojourn into the inky blackness which eventually swallows me. However, the mental warfare is impeded by me throwing myself into work. As I wait for the fatal blow which will sever my ties to the military community, I busy myself to keep from dealing with the issues in my life.
I work from 0300 until 2100, often I find other things to do to keep my mind from exploring the ruins of my life. Instead of me dealing with the madness, I postpone it. To keep from dealing with the chaos, I take on any menial task as long as it distracts me from the shambles of my life. “Oh, you don’t want to pull 24-hour duty. No problem. I will cover it.” This mentality works for me, right up to the moment it doesn’t. When the ties are severed, I have no idea how to deal with the thoughts which darkens my perspective.
At first, I figure I will continue to be given the narcotics which keep the dark thoughts at bay while I work. My flow of medication is cut off when the ties finally get cut. Suddenly, I have an influx of thoughts which push me closer to the edge of insanity. “You are unwanted, kill yourself. No one will miss you.” There I am, 90% disabled, angry, and more than a bit jaded. I have a chip on my shoulder, and I want everyone to know it. Physically, my body is strong, and I am strong mentally. However, the constant barrage of negative thoughts takes a toll on my stability.
Then one day, amid the barrage of harassment, I hit upon the cure for what ails me. I will find another job.
Big R takes a chance and hires me. “This year is not going to be a complete waste! 2013 is going to end on a good note.” Less than a week into the job, I have 13 seizures, and my newfound career is ended. The dark thoughts now have new ammunition to shoot me with. “Look at you, useless. You can’t even do the simple things right.” Each endeavor I attempt is a colossal failure and each failure leads to more darkness.
I struggle with my thoughts, and the more I struggle, the deeper into depression I sink. “Screw it, I will drown in the madness.” I buy a game console and throw myself into conquering virtual levels of mayhem. It serves its purpose; it distracts me from the issues cluttering my life. In my mind’s eye, I see me sitting in the ashes of my life, controller in hand, shouting profanities at the television. All the while, my soul is empty, and my mind is broken.
“I am so busy….”
The distractions don’t last. Eventually, the madness catches up with me and I am forced to deal with what I have postponed. Everything is empty and an abysmal failure. There is no one to blame but me for the travesty which is my life.
30 August 2019