Am I the only person who has problem with the remembrance of the past? I didn’t think so. My biggest problem with recalling the past has more to with who I was at the time than the actual situations that I found myself involved with. Take my novel-in-writing A Walk in Darkness as an example. The memory of the situations I was involved in at times seem hazy, however, the person I was during this trying time of my life is clear as a cloudless day. I was temperamental, violent, and an all-around nasty individual. To continue with the description of how I was, my addiction to alcohol and prescription pills did not help my personality at all. I was an absent father, an absent husband, and I was a workaholic.
“I am providing for my family!” At the time I was sure this was a reason for my absence. Today, it sounds like an excuse.
My remembrance shows me that I valued the wrong things. Instead of me placing more value on family and strengthening the bonds at home, I placed high value on my career, money, and status. This may not have been the straw that broke the camel’s back, but it did weaken the foundation of my marriage. My mentality made it possible for other issues to slip in and add to the damage. There is nothing wrong with a career, money or status, but it should never be more important than your marriage or children. I didn’t make the distinction, and I paid the price for my stupidity.
I feel dirty when I recall my sole focus was making money and materialistic possessions. My family was not rich, but we were comfortable and wanted for nothing. Bills were paid on time, we owned a new Jeep, had bought a new house, and life was going great, but something was missing. There is a song with the lyrics that say, “all you need is love.” It is possible to have the nicest things and still be lonely. A new car, house, or career can’t replace the void left by a loveless marriage. In the end, both of us were done with trying and we called it quits.
If hindsight is 20/20, then my remembrance of who I was during this period is a horrifying look at what a lack of focus on important things will bring. Pain and destruction walked hand in hand and laid waste to everything that I strived to build. Gleefully, this pair torched my marriage, career and my mental stability. However, through the Grace of God, I made it through this difficult period.