A walk in darkness….the recent struggle.

“I never thought I would be back in this place of darkness again.”

It has been many years since my journey into the murkiest parts of my heart. The darkness that once threatened to swallow me was banished by a light that warmed the deepest recesses of my mind and soul. Several years have passed since my departure from the dark, but here I am again. “Why am I back here?”

There seems to be no end to the struggles that rise to power in my life. Granted, most of my troubles are self-inflicted. However, my mind refuses to stop producing chimera for me to overthink on. Daily, the struggle to maintain my sanity is fought full-scale, no holds barred. Bloodied, weary and doing all I can to stand, I limp off the field wondering if I have won or just postponed my eventual defeat.

“There has to be a better way.”

The voice of a friend from my past brings a smile to my lips. “Indeed. There must be a better way to fight this unending war within myself. It is called prayer. The time for fighting alone is over.”

My life and the re-building that I have done seems to have collapsed all around me. The bright orange flames of destruction, and the smoldering ashes are a reminder that if you build on a bad foundation, you will not be able to withstand the troubles that come. On the wind comes the whisper and a message that I am not ready to hear just yet.

“Try again.”

Inwardly, I sigh.

“Maybe, but it won’t be today. Now is the time for reflection, I need to see where I went wrong. I need to heal before I try again. The fear that I feel is not of attempting again, it is a fear of failing. Therefore, I must come to grip with the hopelessness that is ravaging my mind. I must become the master of my thoughts.”

It will take time to reformat and recreate the person that I want to be. There will be missteps, wrong roads, and other failures but maybe one day I will put it together the way that it should be. Or not. Only time will tell.

Freeman out.

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