November 2013: In the middle of the night, I go walking in my sleep…It’s not so much walking as I am driving furiously to my apartment. Once again, I have attempted to find true love and once again my heart has been trampled on. My daughters are in the backseat of the blue Mustang sleepily leaning on each other as I race away from the abysmal failure that is my life. The dark cloud of depression refuses to relent. “You sir are an idiot. It doesn’t matter now though because I promise myself this one thing, I will never put my heart out there again.”
Few things in life teaches us important lessons like heartbreak.
I suppose it is through heartache we learn to not trust that everyone has our best intentions at heart. In the past, it is heartbreak that has taught me that sometimes the risk is greater than the reward. Sometimes the worst thing in the world is getting what you want. Pain teaches us that flame is hot, love is not always reciprocated, and no matter how old you get, when your dreams are crushed under the full weight of reality it still hurts. Pain is the ultimate instructor.
Perhaps, when God Almighty was creating man in His own image, He decided to make love the ultimate emotion and placed the desire for companionship within each of us. I can’t speak to the Lord’s mindset, but in my mind; I can imagine that He decided to make true love an epic scavenger hunt. “Let them struggle to find it, and then they will appreciate it even more when they discover it.” I can’t say that these are His words, but that is how I see it. It is unfortunate that I am jaded. In a world where I love you doesn’t mean that I will stay and work things out with you, it is nigh impossible to find someone to be with. Love has been cheapened to one-night stands and Tinder dates. When I was in the Army, I had a soldier tell me that you don’t pay a lady of the night for a romp in the sack, you pay her to leave at the end of it. It is this mentality that has cheapened one of God’s greatest gifts to mankind.
After the 2013 incident, I decided to shield myself from any advances in the romantic department. This mindset worked and for six years it kept me from experiencing pain. Therefore, I am going back to it. Yes, I am aware that God said it isn’t good for man (or woman) to be alone but I can’t help but feel that love is not in the cards for yours truly. This random musing is now complete, it is time to focus on writing some more about Chrissy Mathieu. If you ever wonder where her story comes from, look no further than the owner of this blog.