Due to the lack of quality candidates vying for the highest office in America, I am persuaded that it is high time that we insert someone with no proven track record in governance as a viable alternative to the lunacy that is American politics. I am of course referring to yours truly. Yep, I am inserting myself into the election race for President. Look out 2020!
What are my qualifications? I was a squad leader in the US Army, and I am results oriented. Enough said.
I suppose people are interested in my platform, so I will give you a sample of my beliefs and “promises” that I will be making throughout the next year. 1) I would promise healthcare for all people, legal or illegal, but all I can promise is that if you want health care/insurance you will have to pay for it yourself. 2) I promise not to break out my condescending tone and butcher other people’s languages to show how “in touch” I am with their plight. 3) I promise not to make promises that I can’t fulfill (see my first promise). 4) I promise that you will not find out about a porn star or adultery claim in my background. 5) I promise to be respectful to our allies and fearsome to our enemies.
However, I do have a plan. Here are a few juicy tidbits to munch on: 1) I will keep taxes (personal and corporate) low so that the economy will continue to flourish. 2) I will strive to maintain the rights that are provided via the Constitution without you fearing that they will be trampled upon. 3) I will not interfere into your right to live your life (if you are not participating in criminal behavior). 4) I will support our country to the best of my ability, meaning that it’s America first. I will not do bailouts or put other countries ahead of our well-being. 5) I will do my absolute best to project an image of what a proud American looks like.
Things I will not do: 1) I will not offer “free” college. If you want to go to college, take out a student loan like the rest of us. 2)I will not support “the welfare state.” Welfare will only be allowed for the elderly and the disabled. Everyone else needs to be engaged in some type of employment. 3) I will not deploy troops to third world countries that refuse to back us up when we need it. War is a necessary evil, but it will be an absolute last resort. 4) I will not promote the racial divide. We need to heal it, not make it worse. 5) I will not open the borders to whosoever will, there will be a screening process to enter this country, the rule of law will be enforced.
What is my campaign slogan? “Why not me? Everything else has been tried!”
So, come November 2020 I need y’alls vote to make it to the White House!