There is a horsefly the size of Mothra in my house at 0300. The beat of its drums sounds like a hovering Apache gunship. My house is flooded with light as I seek the target of my search and destroy mission. It probably would have never got to this point if the buzzing mayhem had not nearly given me a heartache this morning. Let me start at the beginning.
0224: I glance at my phone and notice that a friend of mine had come by and dropped off a care package in my vehicle. Befuddled, I attempt to text her back. I get dressed and head out to my vehicle, pick up the package and go back inside. I make some coffee. Pouring the hot nectar of the gods into my cup I notice this behemoth on my pectoral. “Oh, good God no!” I throw the coffee down and swipe furiously at my chest. The behemoth in question disappears into the darkness.
0300: Every itch, sound, and gentle breeze seems suspicious to me. I have failed to locate this demonic spawn of Satan. Both ceiling fans are spinning insanely fast, my thought process was thus: Maybe I can get him in a cross breeze, and he will have to land. Then I can stomp him into oblivion. My logic must be faulty. I do not like flies, spiders or snakes. Yes, I am aware that God does not make mistakes, and according to the Scriptures everything He made was good. This horsefly, in my mind, would be an exception for me. I see no reason for the thing to exist.
0315: I am slowly waking up. The culprit is nowhere to be found. I may never sleep again. My house is going to get nuked with every type of bug bomb I can find. This guy is taking no prisoners.