Terms of divorce, and the scars that linger.

I don’t know why I feel that I should write this. My brain has been off for the past few hours, I slept until 0348 but this thought has been on my mind the past few minutes. Why is it so hard to come to terms with a divorce?

Part of me truly believes that once you have experienced the pain of divorce, it is extremely difficult to truly give your heart away again. There is always the thought that you may not be enough to make it work. Unless you are a boundless optimist, trying again seems to be a foreign concept that few can get behind.  However, many people get behind the cue ball again and give it the old college try.

Why is it difficult to come to terms? I suppose because when you truly love someone and you sign the paperwork, you have made a commitment until death do you part. Those of us who have been divorced always felt that we would be the couple to make it to the end of our journey together. “We can do it!” Except we didn’t. The feeling of failure that comes with divorce is a chalice of bitterness that cuts to the quick of our souls.

A litany of reasons exist why people end up divorced. Some people cheat, others grow tired of the boredom, many grow restless in the monotony of marriage. If the grass is greener somewhere else, it may be due to a septic tank issue. Sometimes the marriage is a toxic environment that leads to abuse. However, few people celebrate getting divorced. Divorce traumatizes people and often creates a sense of distrust in the belief that someone, somewhere will love them forever. This distrust will keep people alone and blind them to the opportunities to love and be loved. It is a sad fact of divorce.

People who try again and again, who fail over and over, must be careful not fall into the trap of bitterness. I have heard people say things (and I am guilty of saying things too!) like this: “Men are dogs who are only interested in one thing!” or “All women (insert your own take here)!” In case you are wondering, not all men are interested in cheating on you, nor are all psychopathic. Some of us are interested in forming a long-lasting relationship with someone special and want to be the last person you ever date.

Terms of divorce are difficult to deal with. You face whatever caused your marriage to fail every day. The mistakes that were made stick out like a sore thumb. What-ifs pop up and, in many cases, we over analyze every small detail.  Sometimes, the decision to get divorced is made for us. They are there until they find something better to do (or someone). Then it is off to the races and we are left holding the bag. I have found that what causes me the most pain was that my effort to save my marriage was resisted. To this day, I don’t understand why my attempts were met with resistance. I wanted to die (but I didn’t). However, I felt I was to blame for everything, and the demise of my marriage rested squarely on my shoulders.

How do you come to terms? I don’t think you do, the adage “time heals all wounds” is bunk. If we are not careful time leads to bitterness, and it keeps us lonely. Bitterness is acidic in nature; it eats away at the good that is left in our hearts and souls. It will slowly take away any hope that someone will love and care for us in the future.

I don’t really know why I wrote this, but I hope in some small way this encourages someone not to give up hope. To end this blog, I am not going to say all the usual hollow locution that people pass off as encouragement. Hang in there!

Freeman out.

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