Earlier this morning, I woke to the thought:  why is divorce a hard pill to swallow? The terms that some people can’t ever get a grip on if you will. It seems that today is the day that I pour out my heart via writing or as Hemingway would say, pick a vein, cut it open and bleed all over the page. Ah well, it is stormy here. I can think of nothing better to do.

Throughout the years (I divorced 18 October 2011) I have attempted to have relationships with a few women. If one lesson sticks out in my mind it is this: You can’t love anyone else if you don’t love yourself. Many years passed before I was able to forgive myself for the role that I played in the destruction of my marriage. I feel that it should not be understated, both parties play a role in the eradication of the marriage (let the hate begin!) One party may play a significantly larger role than the other, but both are guilty (of something) when a marriage is dissolved.

I know, how dare I put the blame on both parties! I will give an example to showcase my point. Husband A and Wife A have a get together at their house and invite husband/wife B and C to come over for game night. During the evening, wife A gets upset at husband A and tells him in front of their guests that she will cut him off in the bedroom if he doesn’t comply with her wishes. Husband A not to be outdone tells wife A that he doesn’t negotiate with terrorists. Husband/Wife B and C stare on uncomfortably. The evening concludes under this cloud of anger and husband A sleeps on the couch.

Who is to blame for this scenario? Wife A weaponized sex to force husband A to comply, but husband A reacted wrongly. While I am on the subject, if individuals think that weaponizing sex is an appropriate behavior, there is something wrong in their marriage. Granted, wife A and husband A may make up, but there will always be the remembrance that his spouse threatened to punish him for not doing what she wanted. Wife A will always remember that her husband reacted poorly to her threat. Let the distrust begin!

This is usually the beginning of bitterness, and a breach of trust in the marriage. Men would say if you want the dog to stay on the porch, you must pet the dog. However, there are several men who are petted and pampered, yet still go after something new. Some women may say that their husbands understand what she is saying, I pose this question: Do they? If they are used to being emasculated, how long has this abhorrent behavior been going on? When a couple decide to make the leap into a marriage, it should be a partnership (built upon mutual respect that is not only spoken but shown.) At no point should one party be disrespecting the other.

When I was young there was a saying the kids would spout off at the mouth with, it went like this: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. Children are naïve, words can either build up or tear down. You can recover from broken bones, but hurtful words stay in the heart forever. I am no different from anyone else, if I could see my spiritual man, I am sure that he is probably horribly disfigured. We may never truly recover from words that are spouted out in anger, forgiveness may be given in time, but memory is long in the tooth when it comes to pain.

As a divorcee, if I was asked to give one piece of advice to newly married couples it would be this: Mind your words. Don’t let anger cause you to harm your partner with what you say. Speak life to your partner. Encourage them, support them and most of all, cherish them, because one day they will not be with you. Take care. Freeman out.

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