I am sitting on my bed writing material to release on my blog. The past few days have been troubling for yours truly. A post on Facebook hit me in the chest like a ton of bricks (I know most of it is to cause people to fight among themselves.) However, this post really made several good points. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a mental illness. Trauma does not breed wellness; it unleashes different feelings upon different people. Take me as an example, I tend to need constant reassurance over the most basic of things. It seems that I am constantly apologizing over the most minute things. These traits are common to people who suffer from PTSD. This meme caused me to do some soul searching.
PTSD isn’t experienced only by military types; it affects anyone that goes through traumatic events. Victims of crime, abuse victims, law enforcement, doctors, and more can all be afflicted with PTSD. I understand that this disorder causes havoc in the life of the person struggling with it, however, the effects of PTSD impacts family members, co-workers, and more. Life for those with PTSD at times is unbearable.
The need for constant reassurance (in my case) stems from my failure to keep my marriage going. Every little mistake feels like a world ending event. It doesn’t matter what it is, or how small the mistake is, I feel that I have brought Armageddon upon mankind. Yes, my example may be over-exaggerating a bit, but that is how I feel. There is no self-confidence to be found. Once upon a time, I was very confident in my abilities. Those days are gone. Now, I question everything that I do, no matter how simple the undertaking, I am unsure of my ability to do the work I have been tasked with. At times, I am frantic from fear, but deep down I know that it is PTSD that is making me feel this way.
Apologizing is just a way of life for me. I have thought about this long and hard, and I am hesitant to try to point out when it came into effect in my life. I think it may have started when I felt that I could not please anyone. “You’re doing it wrong!” The feeling of not being enough to keep the marriage from falling apart, coupled along with the overwhelming feeling of powerlessness destroyed me. My life felt like ground zero in a nuclear attack. Time has not helped me heal and I don’t expect that it will. If any of my experiences have taught me anything it’s this: Everyone leaves, and you will be required to learn to walk alone again. There is no magical land made of cheese balls, unicorn farts, and pixie pee where everything works out after it has fallen apart.