My mind is a horrible place. Often, it drifts to memories where I can be found in a convoy dodging mortars and rockets. Or unloading casualties at a mobile hospital. In my mind, time slows down, the whisper of bullets crashing into my vehicle or into a wall near me makes me duck for cover. Yesterday, I was at the library and a noise startled me. I ducked down beside my truck and the librarian saw me. She was on her way to the vehicle when my PTSD kicked in, wordlessly she watched while I scanned the area. These memories and reactions are involuntary. My address may be in the United States, but my mind is still in the sandy reaches of Iraq. Part of me hates it, the other part of me has never felt so alive.
When I came home from Iraq, I could not sleep without the blast of cannon fire, or the resounding explosions of Hellfire missiles. Thankfully, the television noise calms my nerves. When I sleep, I can see tracer fire, the hum of miniguns spits out thousands of tiny messengers of death to unseen enemies. The choom, choom, choom of Ma Duce (.50 caliber heavy machine gun) serenades me to sleep. What is worse than all this, is that I can see my eyes. My eyes are lifeless, but I am still alive. It’s like my soul has been splintered, that the best part of me died in that godforsaken dump. An angry, easily agitated husk came back from the sandbox. The innocence that I once had died a gruesome death there in my own personal hell.
Why am I writing about this tonight? I need to purge. Sure, I have people that I can talk to, if they have time to talk. I don’t need to bother them with this. The closer I get to Memorial Day; the worse it gets. It may get darker on my blog. Please understand, I am not suicidal. The memories of friends that never made it home haunts me. There are days when I wish that I hadn’t, because I don’t know if I can honor their memories. “No one is asking you to!” Yeah, but they need to be honored by those of us who are left. Otherwise, what is the point? The politicians of this country will not be satisfied until we are like everyone else. Nor will they honor the sacrifice by those who gave their all to protect this great country. They don’t have the guts to go and do what is necessary, but they are all in for someone else to do the killing and the dying.
The generation of people that are behind me and the millennials will ensure the destruction of America. They are all in on socialism, if the freebies continue. Do you know what comes after they demolish the Second Amendment? The order to get on the train. Those that don’t know their history are bound to repeat it. God help us and keep us.