In October, I will be divorced eight years. During these eight years, I have attempted to date. Each attempt has been an abysmal failure. Anyone that spends a decent amount of time with me, eventually leaves. Maybe it’s my aggressiveness, or the trauma. I don’t know. Perhaps, I expect too much out of people. Everyone has trauma, we all have a past. My past seems to be a constant pain in my side.
Today, I had a friend from my Army days contact me. We haven’t seen nor heard from each other since 2013. The first question he asked me was, “Do you have someone making your life better? Have you remarried?” He was there when my marriage went into the trash. The ensuing chaos that was the culling of my remains, my friend was there for that also. After eight years, why does the pain of divorce still sting? I thought that time was meant to heal all wounds.
While it was great hearing from my buddy, many bad memories came flooding back. I am not a perfect individual by any means but thank God I am not what I used to be. Currently, I date a beautiful woman who has been very good for me. I told him about her. He asked if she knew the real me. This hit me right in the mouth. The person that I used to be was not a nice man. I wouldn’t want my daughters to date someone like me (the me from my past). For once, I was at a loss of words. I don’t want her to know me from eight years ago.
My Army days are behind me. While I enjoyed serving my country it did not improve my personality. I was a vicious, foul-mouthed, angry chucklehead. That was on good days. The person that my friend remembers does not exist anymore. Thankfully, I am no longer an alcoholic or drug addict. Looking back, I can only wonder about the extent of the damage that I have caused my soldiers by not setting a better example for them to follow.
I suppose it is too late for me to worry about that. What is done, is done. There are no re-do’s in life. We have one shot to get it right. In many regards, I am sorry that I didn’t set an example that would be beneficial to them in life. However, all I can do is try to make sure that the next time I am in that position I do better than I did the last time. As far as relationships go, seven years later, I am still alone. Maybe its my personality….yeah, I will blame it on my personality.