In the darkness, my soul cries out. The anguish that I feel does not diminish. I am lost, my life has sunk to the bottom of the abyss, I slowly drown in the sea of depression.
“God, where are you? Forgive me, I have made a mess of my finances. I have destroyed every good thing in my life. I am unworthy to come before you and ask for your help. Please give me direction, if you are willing please bring me out of this darkness.”
I receive no answer. My prayers hit the ceiling and go no further. Why can’t I touch Him? Have I not lost enough?
Inwardly, my soul fears that I have drifted too far from the mercy of God. According to the Scriptures that are written, God will allow people to believe a lie and be damned (if you continue to reject His presence). This thought sears my consciousness, and I am suddenly fearful that my eternal soul is lost forever.
“Why can’t I touch you? Have I drifted too far from your mercy?”
Tearfully, I seek God’s presence. Sorrowfully, I beg for forgiveness and my only answer is silence. Where do I go from here?
“I am unworthy of a second chance. Please allow me to feel your presence again. I know that I turned my back on you and the calling you placed on my life. Forgive me please.”
In the darkness, sound carries. Everything that you see in light appears differently in the dark. Objects are magnified and grow in intensity. The same applies to my journey through this dark period of my life. Unable to feel the presence of my Savior, I continue to push forward. Unwilling to change my direction, my life remains aimless.
I throw myself into pretending to be happy. Violent video games, movies, and other avenues of self-pleasure, I withheld nothing from myself. While playing Elder Scrolls Online, I paused my game to do something else. Walking back to my recliner, I reach for my controller.
“You will never find love in Colorado. There is nothing for you here.”
It was the first time in my expedition through darkness, that I felt the presence of God. Tears rush to my eyes, and I furiously wipe them away. I sit in my recliner. Suddenly, reaching level fifty did not seem to matter anymore.
I wish that I could say that I immediately sought the Lord and turned my life over to Him. That is how the story should have ended, but it doesn’t. Instead, I continued to try to live my life without the guidance of the Lord.
That is another story for another day. Redemption and restoration will have to wait a while longer.