Memories are tricky things. Every time that a memory crosses my mind, I am not sure that I am remembering how it occurred or if I am forgetting an aspect of it. Take for example: When I was a young man and I picked watermelons one summer to make some money to pay for my clothes etc. I can remember going to the fields and picking melons, or even going to New Orleans to unload entire trailers of melons, but I can’t remember certain aspects of it. I can’t remember the people, or even the age I was when I did it.
Perhaps, it is my age that is catching up with me. As we grow older, our memory bank slowly devolves. It could be that approximately 30 years ago, this summer job happened and who can remember in full detail what occurred thirty years ago? I would be okay if this was the only memory that had gaps in it. Unfortunately, this is not the case. Memories of my grandfather, grandmother and more all have glaring holes which make me question the legitimacy of said memories.
When I start to relay the memory to someone else, I question my remembrance. Am I lying to this person? This query plays over and over in my mind, as if it was on a constant loop. Every one embellishes their memories (especially soldiers) but that is not the same thing. I do not want to be dishonest with anyone, but for the life of me, I can’t remember the entire memory. Perhaps, I would be better off not attempting to repeat it.
These fragmented memories are troublesome. Iraq, my old units, the people from my childhood and days as a soldier, nothing is complete. I repeat the same stories over and over. I am tired of it. Nothing is complete and it scares me. Will I wake up one day with no memory of anyone? If that is going to be the case, I would rather be a hermit the rest of my life, than to quietly slip off the rails with no memory of the people that I love.
I am a grouch, but for God’s sake, there are people that are in my life that I care deeply for. To name a few: Leihua and Emma-Lynn, my parents, my brother and Rachel Embrey. Family, friends and even those that bug me, my life would be incomplete without them in it. I suppose that I should get checked out so that I can put myself at ease with this memory issue.
You guys take care and I will chat with you all very soon-