The humor of military service….

First, let me make a disclaimer: The stories within may cause you to see and read things that may cause discomfort. IF you are sensitive to dark humor, and raunchy innuendos, etc. this blog may not be for you (specifically this one that I am writing now). The examples listed below comes from my time in the Army, so without further ado let’s get to it.

I deployed to Baghdad, Iraq in March 2004. Between missions, we would be tasked with mundane tasks such as Sergeant of the Guard. A lofty title for staying up 24 hours and taking chow to your tower guards. Anyway, I was on SOG on a bright, hate-filled day when we had a mortar come in. I was in an unarmored vehicle, so I got out of the Humvee and stretched out on the ground next to it. Placing my hands over my head, I waited for the explosion. Instead, what I heard was an awful lot of swearing. Glancing up from the hot sand, I noticed an officer racing to the port-a-johns at a dead sprint. He jumped in the stall, just as the explosion blew all of the toilets over. I stood up and dusted myself off. It was not long until the door of the toilet flew open and out crawled the officer. He was covered in crap. It was in his hair, his clothing and his nose and mouth. I eagerly awaited the carnage that I was sure was not far off. It was not long until he stomped his feet and started hacking up. In between his bouts of crying and stomping his feet like an angry three year old, he said enough swear words to embarrass the entire Navy. He glanced my way and I pretended to have trouble with my ears. He stomped off and had two Privates wash him off with a pressure washer. To this day, I can see this scene play over in my mind. I still laugh when I think about it.

The fun thing about the military is that we are surrounded by genius level intellect. I had a soldier that spent most a month long training exercise continue to gripe about missing his wife. Finally, enough was enough. We grabbed the nearest private and made him blow up a condom. Then we drew eyes and hair on said contraption, tied a string around it and viola….his wife came to visit him in the desert. We made him tie it around his wrist, and everywhere he went, she went with him. Good times!

Lastly, I had a soldier miss most of a deployment due to an injury they sustained in a gym incident. Meanwhile, we all got deployed. Eventually, the soldier caught up to the rest of the unit (since we were in the middle of a fifteen month deployment). He approached me and informed me that he was going to run his two mile run in eleven minutes. Because he had shaved all of the hair off of his body. This would make him more aerodynamic allowing him to break the 12 minute mark that he normally ran it in. Unfortunately, this proved to be an exercise in futility. However, I did get to witness this same soldier attempt to fill up fifty sandbags with a spoon….to no avail.

By no means the last story that I could tell, but it’s enough for tonight. You guys take care and I will catch up with you soon.

Freeman out.


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