This journey….

I am sitting at my mother’s desk peering out the two windows at my 12 o’clock, staring at the backyard. Rain continues to fall, but the leaves here in Tennessee is slowly changing from a vibrant green, to a pale shade of yellow. Numerous leaves litter the ground and the brick walkway that leads to one of their shops. A dreary day, but I am taking stock of where I am in my life.

At age 11 (I think), I sat down and wrote out what I wanted from my young life. At this period of time, I knew nothing of how to set goals. Much less, how to set them to where I could achieve them. The SMART method was unknown to me. I wrote out what I wanted to accomplish and gave myself a time to have it achieved. Every goal that was achieved was another accomplishment. I had read a book titled, The Power of Positive Thinking, by Norman Vincent Peale. It made no sense to my young mind, but it had words in it, and I wanted to add it to my list of have-reads.

At 18, I was faced with a choice. Go to work or college. I chose work. Fear kept me from entering academia for years. I held a variety of jobs, milk man, construction worker, asphalt, bridge building to name a few. At 18, I was already a seasoned hand, and I grew to appreciate my ability to take the initiative. During this period of my life, I started to question what I really wanted out of my life.

Fast forward eight years, and you will find me newly married. This will be a grand adventure. The funny thing is that life has a way of leaving us toes-up. I was direction-less, aimless, and totally without a plan. I will wing it seemed to be my motto. It lasted twelve years, and then it fell apart.

When I was 36 years old, I had no plan, no idea where the top was or how I would get there.  I wallowed in my misery and blamed everyone but me for my troubles. Losing everything you have ever worked for provides a fresh perspective. It isn’t one you should use. Trust no one. Date no one. I’m only in it for the icing. It’s hard to build on such a slippery foundation. You can’t love anyone if you don’t love yourself.

As I gaze out this window to a bird-less view, I am astonished at how similar things seem to be in correlation with this last stage I wrote about. Trust no one. Check. Date no one. Negative Ghostrider. I am dating someone. I’m only in it for the icing. Nah, I don’t do empty one-night stands anymore. Love yourself. Yeah, ok. I am at the stage where I do not care what happens. Things are falling apart….Okay. Things are going great! Okay. I have adopted this attitude to keep my life from being ripped asunder when the other boot drops.

If I lived every day like it was my last, the body count would be staggering. Such cheery thoughts. If life has taught me anything, it is to constantly be on-guard at every turn. The people that you think love you and will  turn on you and stab you first. I should invest in a set of plate armor for when I have to deal with people. Ah well, I digress. Life is going to be what it is, and I can’t change people or their perspectives as much as I would like to.

Take care.

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