It has often been said that one should not live in the past. There is no life there, nothing good comes from remembering past hurts and failures, but for some reason it sticks around. At almost 0330, I am up confronting my own past. This morning is no different from any other night that I have contended with it. When I woke up this morning, I felt like I had swallowed all the sand in the Sahara, and a trickle of blood oozed out of the corner of my mouth. Breathing was something of a chore. Good times. No matter how much I drink, my mouth is dry and scratchy. Ah well, it will pass….it always does.
I am certain that parts of my life is impacted because of my past. This may or may not be true, but perhaps to an extent it is true. I was a soldier, and one does not go to war and not make mistakes. Decisions are made at the highest levels, and soldiers are nothing more than actors in a devastating play. What I did will haunt me the rest of my life, I deserve nothing less. Why should I be happy when there are people around the globe that was impacted by my actions? The first casualty of any war is innocence.
Happiness is a temporary feeling. It never ceases to amaze me that so many people put stock in being upbeat, or happy if you will. The world is full of amazing people and things to see and do! I would contend that given my experience, there are sights that are truly magnificent to behold, however, people are not always amazing. Far from it. A person that can lift you up with their presence, will be the same person that pulls the rug out from under you. Life is funny that way.
My past is ever close to me. It serves as a reminder that my sins must be atoned for. Happiness in this life may not be for me. If this was five years ago, I would be drowning my past with a bottle of Jameson. However, it isn’t five years ago and I have gotten better with dealing with my past. I still bleed because I hit myself during my sleep. I am sure that somewhere in my subconscious, the reel from my past is playing on a loop. Otherwise, why would I continually struggle with it? I have a favorite passage from the Bible and it says, “It came to pass…..” thankfully it didn’t come to stay.
Take care and may God bless you all this fine morning.