Emotional pain and goals for marriage

Do hurts heal? Physical pain heals, but emotional pain is more traumatic than physical injuries. Emotional pain scars our hearts, it makes us wary of people, and hinders us from moving on. This became a reality for me in October 2011. My divorce became all to real that day. My wife called me on a Sunday morning on my way to church and informed me she was leaving. That was almost seven years ago.  To this day, it is difficult to trust anyone. To wholeheartedly feel that someone will love me for who I am. There is no end to the questions and anxiety that comes from divorce.

Some people instantly seek another companion upon divorce. I tried it, things went sideways. Then I tried again. It got worse. I decided that love was not for me in November 2013. At that point, I decided that God meant for me to be single and a hermit. My intention was to completely shutdown my life. Existence became my focal point, not living. People would try to set me up on blind dates and I would end friendships because of it. Nightclubs were not my scene. One-night stands were a no-go.

Companionship was my goal. It seemed that it would not happen, so I became bitter and angry. The ex was my reason for my life sucking, and I was more than happy to blame her for it. It wasn’t her fault. She found someone and made herself happy. I refused to take charge of my life, and I did not want to pursue another empty relationship. I was out of church, but the Lord spoke to me one day while I was playing Elder Scrolls Online. He explained that my partner would not be found in Colorado Springs. I had not been to church in some time. Alcohol and prescription pills were my daily bread. “I am losing my mind.”  I thought nothing else about it until one day while I was riding around here in Mississippi.

Is everything perfect in my life? Nope. However, I have learned a valuable lesson from my time in seclusion. There is no danger of being hurt if you avoid relationships. Also, there is no joy. To me there is always a risk, but you can mitigate risk. You must make yourself happy. Almost seven years have passed since I got divorced. The wounds are still there. I get misty eyed when I think about the end of my marriage. When I consider all the hurtful things that were said, I know that there is no healing it. You must find a way to convince yourself that your life needs to be lived. It is what I did. One day I got angry. Rage poured out of me, and in defiance I roared that no one was going to dictate the terms of my life to me ever again. I refused to allow people to make me feel that I was not good enough to enjoy my life. Then I went out and took charge of my life. I may be broke, but I am doing exactly what I want to do. If I get remarried, then I will put aside this independent streak, and work to make my marriage great. I will treat my partner with the dignity that they deserve and try to be the man that she needs me to be. If I remarry, this time I will make sure that I never give up on the marriage or my partner. I will be open to not only listen but to understand the needs of my spouse. Until then, I will be me and hope that I can find something that resembles peace.

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