I am tired. Really tired. I just don’t want to do anything. Retirement may have made me lazy, but people have killed the will to try in me. Murdered. Annihilated. Destroyed. Erased. Defeated. Devastated. Merced.
If I get paid this upcoming month, I think that I will just leave for a bit. Just go. Hide. Run away. Leave. There is an emptiness that I haven’t felt in a long time. The bitterness of almost getting something you want, only to have it ripped out of your hands.
There is no peace in running away, however, a change of scenery might be good for a temporary reset. I don’t need a temporary solution. The change I need is within me. I don’t like facing my demons. Or realizing that the problem throughout has been me. The truth is a bitter pill to swallow.
Truthfully, I took too long to get back into the dating game. Five years is a long time. I made peace with what I am and who I am, but it seems that knowing who you are is less important than having the skill set or relationship skills necessary to please the person you are with.
My faults are plentiful while my list of skills and personality traits that are attractive is minimal. No modern woman wants an old-fashioned guy. They want the skinny jean wearing, metro-sexual executive. Men like me are considered Neanderthals. We work with our hands, sweat profusely, and talk in a manner that leaves little to the imagination. We are direct, honest, and often unappreciated.
As a savage that lives in the woods, I suppose that I should just quit. Quit trying. It is apparent to me that I will never be the man that people want me to be. I am just me. Perhaps, it would be best for me to go hunting/fishing. I can throw away my phone, and just be. Unfortunately, the simple life is not attractive to many people.
God is my rock, strong fortress and refuge. Between him and this Neanderthal we have it covered. I should say that this is only my process. If anyone reads this please understand that I harbor many years of grudges, bitterness, hatred and anger that is directed at many people. However, I often take it out on the wrong people. So, if I appear distant, frustrated, murderous, suicidal, or just plain irritable please realize I am probably not in the mood to talk.
Thus, ends today’s cry session. My heart will heal. It always does. I suppose that I will try to focus on being a better Christian than I was yesterday. Maybe, I can get it right. I probably won’t, but it will not be that I didn’t try. God bless you all.