“The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog”-Mark Twain. This sums up how I feel today. The whole week has turned out to be a raging cluster. My life (especially my search for a God fearing woman) has been met with frustration at every turn. Which brings me to my current mental state. Do I deserve happiness? To wit I must answer truthfully, I doubt it.
The woman that I am with now is everything that I have ever hoped to find in a companion. She is smart, beautiful, talented and has the all important quality of understanding. However, as with all things, I go out and screw it up. My heart aches due to my endless stupidity. When will I learn? Never seems to be the answer to all of it.
It seems that regardless of what I do or attempt, I am hell bent on destroying every good thing in my life. There is nothing that I do not wreck. Marriage? Totally destroyed. It has taken years to get to where we can tolerate each other. Career? Annihilated to such an extreme that I can never work again. It seems to be a brutal pattern that I can’t overcome.
The truth is I am damaged goods. I am broken, and therefore I should remove myself from any equation that requires me to participate in it. I know that I should turn this over to God and let Him handle it. Yet, my heart is so bruised that I am not sure that I can find the words to describe the pain in it. Today is not going to be any better, I have to cook fish at the church. Although I know that I can call and tell them that I can’t make it, I gave my word and I will do what I said.
So, if anyone reads this please understand that this is my process. I write down all the hurtful things that occur to me and I then move on with my life. It is only a process. Depression, anxiety, frustration and rage may happen at some other point but this helps drain the poison out of my system. God bless you all.