My apathy for everything seems to grow without end. My classwork that is due, I don’t care if it gets done. Same goes for people. I don’t care. If you don’t try to be in my life, why would I break my back to be in yours? Take today for an example. I was behind in my classwork, I didn’t go to church and I still didn’t care if I got it done. I don’t like this feeling. It affects everything I do.
Apathy impacts my relationships with friends and family. This inability to give a crap about anything also has a profound affect on my life. If I fail all three of these classes, then I will be financially responsible for them when I retake them for my degree. I am sure that the VA will want their money back if I fail them. How did I get to this point? I am pretty sure that it came about with me being disappointed in yet another person that is in my life.
My biggest problem it seems is that I expect too much from people. If you are my friend, then I expect you to be there when times are good and bad. If I date someone, then I expect them to act like they are happy that I am in their life. On and on it goes. Every time that I have expectations of people I am sorely disappointed. We as human beings are flawed. I just expect to much I suppose. Even as flawed as we are as a species, I expect people to perform. If you tell me you will do something, then do it. Because, if I tell you I am going to do something for you, I will be there to perform it.
See? I told you I expect too much. Sometimes, I want to seal myself off from people, and just die a lonely death. Preferably, a slow death. It is not that I don’t love my family or friends, life can be difficult enough without other people making it tougher. As much as I would like to get remarried, days like today make me wonder if I have what it takes to make a marriage work. Insomuch, I think that maybe my apathy is God’s way of saying that I do not have the fortitude to handle the stress of balancing my life.
Given that I love my church and church family, it was too easy today to make the excuse that I was behind in school work. The truth is that I have zero motivation to get anything done. My get up and go has gotten up and left. Once upon a time, I was a workaholic. Then retirement happened, and I haven’t been worth knocking in the head since. If I could change one thing in my life it would be the apathetic, lay about attitude that permeates from my life. Obviously, this is yet another failure on my part.
My parents and brother are some of the hardest working folks that I know. Then there is my lady friend who is consumed with an all-powerful desire to work from sunup to sundown. She is the most dedicated and loyal employee that any company could ask for. Even when it is not her job, she somehow finds a way to get involved in it. That is the mark of an excellent employee. I am consumed with a powerful desire to not be involved in anything. Ranging from canoe trips to softball games, I do not desire to be active in anything at this junction in time.
I hope that someday this feeling will go away, however, it does not seem to be happening soon. Perhaps, if I go out of my way to be active in one thing per day, then maybe it will go away. My plan is to take it one day at a time. Maybe then, my life will turn around. I will be here until that day arrives. Of course, my luck is that when my ship finally comes in, I will be at the airport.