Weary but no rest

It is almost 3 in the morning here and I am wide awake. This is getting nuts. I have had my sleep interrupted for over a week now. There are days that I regret ever joining the military. It is not the brokenness of my body that bothers me. It is the invisible scars that tar my psyche that keeps me up at night. Memories of battles that have been fought, and people that have suffered because of said battles. Friends that never returned home to see their loved ones again choose to visit at odd hours of the night. My mind is a battleground in its own right. It is apparent that this is a battle that I keep losing over and over again.

Talking to a shrink is not a bad thing when you have this kind of problem, however, it is incredibly difficult to find one that is trustworthy. I have spoken to multiple shrinks through the years, their advice ranges from, “unpack the rucksack, you are home now” to “give it to God, and build up a support structure.” The latter is great advice. I believe that God will help me carry the burden, but how do you build a support structure when you only like a handful of people? I feel at times like I don’t have a leg to stand on. I get one leg under me, and I cut the other one of.

As my dear mom would tell me, “not every day is a bad day.” Except when you have limited sleep and you are highly irritable. My mind is racing with ways to ease me back into a state of unconsciousness. I have heard that warm milk can help you rest easier (no milk atm). I have quit drinking, so pounding whiskey until I pass out is a no-go. I could ask my doctor for medication to help me sleep, but that would require a sit down with another shrink. I don’t like cracking the door open on my past. It visits me every night, why would I want to sit down and discuss actions I would rather forget?

I suppose my course of action is clear. I will watch tv until I pass out. Or play a game and hope that the motion will make me drowsy. Then maybe I can sleep without dreaming. If only for an hour or so. Lord knows that I need to sleep, and not only close my eyes but to rest. Well, I am going to shut up now. You guys have a great day today.

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