So, my thoughts have been scattered recently. Mostly, I think about the recent occurrences that have led me to doubt myself, and how to fill the hours of my day since it has become obvious that I can’t work. Generally, I am a confident person. However, the events of the last week has caused me to doubt myself. I did everything right that I knew to do, and yet, the entire thing crashed and burned. To wit, this is unfamiliar territory for me.

How to fill my hours has been something has caused me no end of problems. There are days that I am okay with wiling away hours by reading, watching tv, or playing video games. However, this is not productive, and it takes a toll on my body and spirit. As a friend of mine would say, “there has to be a better way!” My writing has become a priority for me. Yet, I need something that can feel blocks of time so that I feel like I am a valuable part of society. I have considered learning to play piano. Or perhaps the violin, when I was younger, I attempted to learn how to play guitar. Writing a novel would require me to do research, and plant myself in front of the computer for hours every day. Hiking, and biking are also ways that I can spend a few hours each day. There is no limit, however, it seems to me that I have lost interest in day-to-day life.

I am devoted to my relationship, but my significant other has a full time job, and a part time job. Therefore, I need something that will keep me engaged, while she is engaged at work. There are days when I want nothing more than to work. I miss structure in my life.  The Army was very good at providing structure. There was a set schedule, and everyone knew what their role was. I suppose that I am not very good at structuring my days. This seems to be the gist of my problems. Therefore, I am going to have to set up a schedule that will allow me to fill the hours with some level of productivity. At the end of the day, it is on me to find ways to be a better man than I am today. Given how blessed I am to have wonderful, and supportive people in my life, it can only get better from now on. God bless you all.

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