A full heart

It is still in the wee hours of the morning here, but my heart is very full this morning. My life has drastically changed in the last five years or so. I look back on my life, and I am grateful that I have evolved over the course of these last few years. Five years ago, I was bitter and jaded. Life had thrown me several curve balls, and I was not capable of dealing with change. I was angry, and depressed. Suicide was never far from my thoughts, and I felt empty inside. My daily routine started with going to McDonald’s on the corner of East Platte Avenue in Colorado Springs. I would arrive at about 6 a.m. and would sit there and chat with friends until about 830. Then I would trudge my way to campus to study for a bit. My day would end with me in front of my tv until 2 or 3 in the morning. Repeat cycle, and that was my life.

My stay in Colorado Springs ended December 2015. I had received a notice that my rent would be going up in January 2016 to the tune of 700 bucks a month for a one-bedroom apartment. I called home and my parent graciously allowed me to move back home. I was unhappy, but grateful to be home. My life for the past fifteen years had been one block of emptiness. It seemed that nothing could make me happy. Moving home had opened some doors for me that had previously been locked. I was able to go to the VA and received a primary care physician. I was able to get my driver’s license back. The list goes on and on, however, it seemed that for every small victory, the deeper my depression got. I bought a truck and I was able to go when the mood struck me but driving alone is only good for so long. I ached inside for someone to share my experiences with. I finally realized that my problem stemmed from a lack of drive and motivation.

Cue me failing Algebra II. I cracked open my math textbook and there lay an infinity symbol. I had no idea what to make of it, so I ignored it until I found a tutor. My poor tutor. She tried to help me, and together we made it to a passing grade. During our time together, I felt that I had connected with someone special. She made me feel like I was important, and when I was with her, my emptiness was hardly recognizable. I was still jaded, and I did not put all the pieces together until much later. My class ended, and I dropped off the radar for some time until we reconnected months later. I still felt empty, but when we reconnected the sense of happiness once again swelled in my heart. It was like we had never been apart. As I reveled in the moment of being with her, I started to realize that my life was better with her in it. She made me feel complete. Then she invited me to church. After a couple of services, I started to realize that my life could be so much more. Eventually, I found my way back to my Christian roots. My sense of emptiness was now gone.

Is my life perfect? No, far from it. However, my life now holds meaning. I have been with my math tutor for over a year now. We are like every other couple. We have our ups and downs. When I got divorced, I swore to myself that no matter how much it hurt I would always be honest with my partner about how I felt about any situation. It is painful sometimes, but it is worth the effort. Rachel is a great listener, and when an issue arises, we talk it out. This is something that I totally got wrong in my past relationships. With Rachel I feel that I can be honest and talk to her at length about any number of subjects. She provides me with much needed inspiration, and without trying motivates me to be the man that I once aspired to be.

Once upon a time, my aspirations were simple. I wanted to be a good man, a good father and husband. Time and war devastated these aspirations. However, God has given me a second chance to get it right, and I am determined to make the most of it. God bless you all.

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