Freeman's Front Porch Musings

It has been a trying week.

I had a Gran-Mal seizure. It has taken a toll on me. All week I have struggled to clear the cloud in my mind. It has been hazy and has made it difficult for me to think, much less write anything for my blog. Thankfully, today has been better. My struggle is no longer a cloudy mind. There are days when I am fine. Nothing brings me down.

Well, almost nothing. This last seizure did a number on me.

My head is scabbed over, my left hand has a gash on it, and my upper left shoulder has another gash. I am ripped up. Thankfully, I am alive and kicking. My aches and pains are a minor inconvenience. Eventually things will be fine.

As I close out this post, let me apologize for my absence. I will get back to writing starting tomorrow. Thank you for sticking it out with me.

6 December 2019

I had another seizure tonight. My back is scrapped and my head. Prayers are appreciated. If life has taught me anything it’s to expect life to throw me a curveball. Tomorrow will be better.

Hello from Shamrock, Texas. We stopped here for the night and will soon be on the road making our way home. Hopefully, the weather will cooperate with us.

Prayers are appreciated. I will make time to write more when we are safely home.

The 17 hours home seems to pass so slowly. However, we are on our way home.

So, do you climate change bro?

Yeah, I’m not hip to the growing craze of impending doom. The world has been ending ever since I have been old enough to remember. In the 1970’s it was acid rain, the 80’s brought us AIDS and the Cold War. Now the ice caps are melting. They aren’t, but in the next 12-500 years they might, and we will be in trouble if that happens.

Oh, the gravity of the situation.

It takes a certain amount of arrogance to think humanity can fix the planet. This planet has survived an ice age, dinosaurs, meteors, earthquakes, hurricanes, tsunamis, tornadoes, and in-laws. It survived the Megalodon. A prehistoric shark as big as two tugboats, a mouth 8 feet wide and capable of biting clean through a whale, but humanity is going to eradicate all life on the planet.

“Our carbon footprint…”

I know, I’m not taking it seriously. Shame on me. Some of the solutions are absurd though. How does anyone expect to be taken seriously when their solution is to stop having children? Well then, let Operation No Young’uns commence. See? The planet isn’t going anywhere. Humanity is going to die off if these lunatics don’t wake up.  This big orb has been spinning for 4.5 billion years if scientists are to be believed. Humanity has been here for a couple of thousand. Do the math. There is literally no way, we have jacked up the entire planet in 2,000 years.

The panic is premature. Instead of focusing on the planet and offering life altering suggestions, why don’t we focus on being better human beings? Sure, we need to clean up the trash in our oceans. I am all for that type of action. What I am against, is suggesting we demolish the government in order to fight a war against Mother Nature. Do you think getting a vasectomy will hinder climate change? Don’t let me stop you from receiving one. Do you want to live in a “eco-friendly” habitat? Knock yourself out! However, you do not get to shove your choice down my throat and force me to live the way you choose.

Because I assure you, if you try, my climate will change.

29 November 2019

There are days when I absolutely abhor being me. Introspectively, it is not that I am a brutish individual, nor is it that I suffer from schizophrenia or psychosis. Further analysis reveals that I am loyal, friendly, steadfast and other “good” traits. I possess the ability to sit in a room by myself and not commit suicide due to self-loathing. It makes no sense to me, why I dislike my personage.

When confronted with days of dark thoughts, I find that my self-hatred stems from my inability to process certain emotions. Situations arise that I can’t impact, therefore it renders me impotent to change it. Fear plagues my mind on dark days, and there is no way for me to shut it off. Silence is as deafening as a cannon blast to the face. Anxiety creates scenarios that are not true. My greatest challenge since returning from war has been the battle to retain my sanity. “If I can make it one more day….”

Every day is not like this. There are moments of ecstasy. Days blow by like chaff on the wind, then out of my blind spot comes the darkness. It doesn’t matter if it is a near or far ambush, both hinder my forward progress. Maybe it is my imagination playing tricks on me, but every unexpected sound seems like a threat. Paranoia spurs hyper vigilance into action. It is just a trick of the mind or is it….?

There are days when I truly abhor who I am.

There is another side of this story.

Some days, I truly like who I am. The dark times has forged a strength to try again. It has developed in me a heart that loves on a deeper scale. Emotionally, I am stronger than I have ever been. Mentally, I have been pushed to the limit, but I am still standing tall. Physically, I have ailments, but I am in better shape than most.

I am blessed beyond measure. My life has not been easy, but I am still living. Thriving even. Complaints have no place in my blessed life. I don’t have everything I want, but my needs are fulfilled. What else could I ask for? My children are beautiful, healthy, and talented. I have more now than I ever have. Who foresaw a day when I would have four vehicles? Another house? 20 acres of land? After losing everything, I have been blessed to start over anew.

Sure, PTSD is a horrible affliction. However, it doesn’t define who I am. Nightmares plague me most nights, but I get sleep. Epilepsy doesn’t keep me from living my life. Neither pain, illness nor behavioral disorder keeps me from being thankful for the goodness in my life.

“You will never be well.” These words were spoken to me by my doctor. Okay. Then I will live my life without limitations. The key is to recognize that if people are going to limit you, you must unloose the shackles which seek to hold you back. Why be a slave to other people’s expectations?

Be bold. Stand tall and unflinching in the face of adversity. You can do it.

29 November 2019

I have numerous topics started on my laptop. So, I feel the need to finish them prior to moving on to other subjects. This post will about the pointlessness of anger.

Being angry doesn’t help us accomplish anything worthwhile. Anger clouds the mind, and a cloudy mind keeps us from achieving our goals. Success starts with a clear mind. You must be able to envision your success, before you can achieve it. Like a sculptor or an artist, we must have the product in our mind. Our life may be a blank canvas, but you can’t create without a vision.

Anger flings our emotions across the canvas. There is no rhyme or reason to it. It’s madness. A Jackson Pollack painting could be considered organized chaos, but unbridled rage is not organized. It is fury unleashed on unsuspecting victims which get mauled by our emotional upheaval. Rage, anger, frustration, whatever you choose to call it, causes great damage to our physical body, not to mention our cardiovascular system. In the long term, it is damaging to our mental, physical and emotional states.

If it isn’t helping us create, it is pointless. If it isn’t assisting us in being a better person, it is pointless.

In the immortal words of Journey, “be good to yourself.”

28 November 2019