Once more into the fray I go alone,
One more war before I am gone,
Live or die the warrior’s heart beats within,
Live or die the siren’s song is sung on the wind,
Tomorrow holds the promise of life untested,
Once more into the fray I roam,
The siren song beckons me home,
One war to many, I am done
The siren’s song has me undone,
Once more in the fray I am alone,
One more song to carry me home,
I war no more, my heart lies still,
The thrill of violence has been chilled,
My journey complete, my legend secured,
The siren song is tuneless on the wind,
The fray is gone, the war has ended,
My children orphans, my time is over.
What a waste, what a shame,
To ne’er pass this way again,
To be love, to be hated,
My thirst for blood has been sated,
A life well lived, it was for naught,
The simple things not enjoyed, the horror not taught,
A cruel mistress is war, her vices complex,
The roar of cannon, the crack of bullets,
Crashing of clubs, the clang of steel,
The soft goo of brain, the gush of warm blood,
Cold eyes of dead,
Vacant stares of living,
The fray claims both, it’s reach ne’er ending,
The siren song heard once more,
A cry for blood, the shout for war,
The vicious cycle repeating,
New toys, new soldiers,
New meat for the grinder
Same lies, same justification,
Anything to placate the living,
The siren song is dark, it sings of doom,
And we gayly dance like a bunch of fools.
P.S. I am not a poet. Just random words that fell from my heart.
This morning I am not feeling the writing bit, or the living bit. Disgust courses through my body, ever so slowly. Unfortunately, I am feeling grimy. No amount of showering, washing or soaking will wash me clean. One thing I can’t stand is being accused (playfully or not) of being unfaithful. I spent years in a loveless relationship, and not once did I stray from my vow. When I uttered that fateful line that states “until death do we part” I meant it.
My marriage did not last, the reasons are too many to recount. It’s not important why things fell apart, only that they did. Every time that I attempted another relationship, I remained faithful. Why? Because being unfaithful is a learned trait. It starts with wandering eyes, and then it progresses to where having a side piece is no big deal. Of course, there is the role that the other partner plays into it as well. They condone the secret glances at someone else. “Oh, they are just looking!” It is akin to lying. If you will lie, you will steal, if you will steal, you will kill. Escalation is part of the process.
Wandering eyes and secret glances lead to just a touch. A touch will lead to a kiss, and a kiss will lead you into committing adultery. Reverend Shane Burns preached a revival for our church earlier in the month. During his sermon, he asked the question: “If you are dating someone with no plans to have a future together, why are you dating?” The end goal is to find someone to be with and build a life together. However, before you bite the marriage bullet, you should make sure that you will be enough. Perhaps, you should be honest with one another before you take the plunge.
Marriage is like an unfired bullet. Like a bullet, once the hammer is cocked back, and the trigger is pulled, it is too late to take it back. A relationship (dating, friendship or marriage) can’t last without trust. If you marry someone who is constantly searching for the next best thing (I am referring to a younger, prettier version) then you will be miserable the whole time. The sad truth is that if they are looking while dating you, then you aren’t enough to begin with. No amount of love will keep their attention, no amount of submission to their authority will keep them on the porch.
Of course, the Bible is full of wisdom concerning marriage. In Proverbs it states, “that a man that finds a wife has found a good thing.” Solomon was the wisest man to ever lived, however, he was not content with a wife. He had wives and girlfriends. Which leads me to question his wisdom. Humor aside, trust must always be protected. Failure to do so, leads to the end of your relationship. Trust is irreplaceable, there is a finite amount of it. Once it has been extinguished, there are no replacements that can be purchased. Even when you seek it bitterly with tears, you can never get it back. Protect your relationship, protect your trust, and God keep His hands upon you all.
I will write it tomorrow when I am not exhausted. Good night.
Recently, I have been thinking about bitterness. It doesn’t take long to become bitter about things that occur in our lives. All that is required for bitterness to take root is to avoid letting go of the situation that caused us pain. There is no one better to use as an example than me, so I will use me.
One day, shortly after my divorce was final, my parents and children were with me having lunch at Popeye’s Fried Chicken in Fountain, Colorado. There was many things going on in my life and the sudden changes caused me to give in to my anger. As I sat there in that restaurant, anger and bitterness was pummeling me. My dad watched me as I battled my emotions. Finally, he asked me a simple question: What are you mad about? For some unbeknownst reason, I stated that I was angry because I could not make my ex-wife love me. That somewhere along the way, the realization that I was not enough occurred to my ex-wife. My dad shook his head and sympathy showed in his eyes. Then he asked his next question. Who are you mad at? Angrily, I stated that I was mad at myself. Finally, he offered me this advice: “Son, bitterness will eat at you until there is nothing left. You must learn to let it go. If you can’t change what is happening, you should wash your hands of it.”
Ever since that day at Popeye’s, I have tried to follow this advice. Bitterness is akin to drinking poison. I often use my time in military to illustrate points, this time will be no different. White phosphorous also known as Willy Pete, burns at 5,000 degrees Fahrenheit. It is basically napalm in a hand grenade. When it explodes, if WP gets on a person, water will not put it out. There is only one way to deal with a phosphorus burn, you take your knife and cut it out. Many people have been disfigured due to the cutting required to remove the phosphorus. A knife is not a precision instrument; therefore, the scars never seem to heal right. The same thing applies to bitterness. The longer we hold on to the bitterness, the worse the disfigurement.
God is more than able to help us overcome our anger and bitterness; however, we must do our part. We must let go of the hurtful things that make us bitter. The Lord will not make us let go. He can provide us with deliverance, but we must accept it. Life is too short to be bitter.
Good morning! It has been a rough night, but God saw fit to give me another day. I am at McDonald’s hijacking a wifi signal. Thankfully, I am drawing ever closer to hitting 10k words on A Walk in Darkness. Progress has been slow, but it is coming together rather nicely (I think). Here is to hoping that the next 10k comes easier.
You guys have a great day. I will catch up with you soon.
No luck in removing my truck bed to replace the fuel pump. After a short break I will be back at it. You guys have a wonderful day/afternoon/evening!
This blog is not meant to cast shade at this church. I am simply recounting a memory (as close to right as I can remember it). In no way am I trying to stir up hard feelings nor am I attempting to bring up past hurts. That is all.
I was raised in church my whole life. From my earliest years, all I have known was church and I am better for it. Many of my memories are colored with remembrances of powerful church services, and some memories are better than others. For instance, I can remember my first attempt at public singing. It started off fine but my voice was changing, and things quickly went downhill from there. Tearfully, I came to the realization that perhaps singing was not in my wheelhouse.
Then there are the other memories.
If your sleeves were not long enough, it became a heaven or hell issue. You didn’t shave? That was an issue and suddenly God’s grace was not going to cover that. Things progressively got worse. I watched as friends were caused pain, often humiliated from the pulpit. To be fair, it didn’t happen just at church. It would happen in public as well. In many ways it seemed that there was one Gospel for them, and one for us. It ended with me vehemently renouncing the church and declaring that I would never go back. I am not going to detail the humiliation, nor will I speak of other pain caused in moments of zeal. It is enough to simply say that many people left church harboring ill feelings.
Why am I writing about this?
Yesterday, I was at a church service. I was speaking to someone and a minister snapped at me that church was beginning. Instantly, I was transported back into time to Morriston. I felt like I was 12 years old again, and my cheeks burned from embarrassment. This man from yesterday has no idea of my background, nor does he know the depth of pain that comes from these memories. However, I realized that 34 years have passed and the sheer memories of Morriston brings back pain that I would rather avoid. Therefore, I decided that I would write about it, purge it from my system, and let go of the past.
Last night, my pastor preached, and he referenced the parable of the rich young ruler. “One thing thou lackest.” I don’t want to live a life that I think is pleasing to God, only to be told that I was found lacking one thing. Therefore, the pain and the anguish of Morriston must be addressed and let go. There is no life in the past, and the future holds better things.
You guys take care.